Weary

I'm tired.

It's just getting harder and harder to do much of anything. I have about 3 good hours in me during the day, and then I'm pretty much useless.

Today was a fun day. Bevin treated me to a pedicure at the Aveda Institute, then we went to lunch at the Corner Bakery, then we went to Target where I got some maternity gauchos:
















They're soft, cool, and cottony and not quite as horrifying as maternity shorts. Between now and delivery day I'll probably be in them all the time.
I started to wear out while Bevin and I were in Target, and by the time I got home I was nearly dead.

I had my weekly appointment at the OB this afternoon. The 24 hour urine test came back normal, but in the high end of normal. And my regular pee-check today still showed high protein, but not as high as last week, so they're taking a "monitor the situation" approach. I'm still to look out for signs of Preeclampsia, and they'll keep a close eye on my urine check every week, so we'll see how it goes.
Oh, and I'm sure this will come as a big surprise to all of you, but turns out Gwennan's a little on the big side.
Mark and I were looking at the preg photos Dawn took of me last month and we were both like, "Look at how small I was!!" Now I look like a house. A big, swollen house, complete with a 3 car garage.
This is why I'm praying Gwennan will come early. I'm ready to get my body back. Of course, the breasts will still belong to her for a while.

I hope to post soon about my baby shower last Saturday. I didn't take many pics, so I'm waiting to get some from Dawn and some others so I can post them. I will say that it was a great time. Generally I don't like showers very much, and I think that's mainly because of the games. Shower games can be so inane. But I requested no games at my shower, so we just ate, talked, and opened gifts. It was such a good time, and I felt so loved. I have wonderful friends.

Pee

So Mark and I went to the OB today for my check-up. The protein in my urine was pretty high, and I'm retaining a lot of water, which makes me look and feel very swollen. Turns out these are two symptoms of Preeclampsia, or Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. The only thing missing is the high blood pressure. Still, my midwife was concerned, so she ordered further testing, which basically consists of collecting a big ol' jug o' pee to be tested for protein.

Beginning after midnight on Saturday, I have to collect all my pee for 24 hours in a sterile jug they gave me. The lab guy gave me instructions, saying firmly that the FIRST time I go to pee after midnight on Saturday, I don't collect it. I'm to collect the SECOND pee. And then collect all the pee from then up to midnight on Sunday, PLUS the FIRST pee after midnight that night. Then I stop. He was very concerned that I understand and get it right: SECOND pee after midnight on Saturday night, FIRST pee after midnight on Sunday night.

I don't get it.

Mark and I tried to figure out what the logic was behind this, because after all, isn't 24 hours 24 hours? Why not start at 11:00 PM? Or at 12:03 AM? Isn't it just a randomly chosen beginning and end time?

Anyway, ours is not to question why, and I'd hate to make the lab guy angry.

I also have to keep my jug o' pee in the refrigerator, so everytime I go to the bathroom I'll have to swing by the kitchen first. I guess at night I'll keep it in a cooler in our bathroom.

We decided it would be best if we just stayed home from church on Sunday morning so I wouldn't have to carry my jug with me to church. I mean, we have a pretty laid back and accepting church, but to me there are still boundaries.

I WILL, however, be bringing my jug to Life Group on Sunday night, which will be at the Spoelstras, not at our house. So make room in the fridge, Dawn! I need to put my pee in there!

Okay, I'm starting to freak out now

Well, we've been through three childbirth classes now and I'm really starting to freak out.

This week we discussed epidurals, episiotomies, and c-sections. I'm going to give you a little run-down of what was said/seen so you too can freak out with me.

Epidurals
This is a pain killer that is supposed to help with the pain of contractions. The anesthesiologist has you lean forward so your spine curves, and he sticks a needle into your back, then inserts a tube through that needle into the epidural that surrounds your spinal cord, and leaves the tube in there pretty much through the whole labor process so the pain killer is constantly flowing through it to your spinal cord. In case you didn't really catch the freak-out part of that last sentence, let me re-state it for you: THEY STICK A NEEDLE INTO YOUR BACK. They use a numbing agent first, so you supposedly don't feel the needle, but still ...

This absolutely brilliant man in our childbirth class was kind enough to ask, "What's to keep the needle from going through and cutting the spinal cord?" Pretty much every expectant woman in the place tried her best to shoot needles out of her eyes to cut HIS spinal cord, but to no avail. This genius of a man kept us all enthralled by constantly asking worst-case scenario questions such as, "What if the umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby's neck and he's not getting oxygen to his brain?" I think if the women (including his own wife) had all had a little more mobility/flexibility in them, there would have been a lynching.

The best part about the epidural portion of the night was the labor video of the woman who got one. She had huge red hair circa 1989 and a deer-in-the-headlights expression on her face through most of her delivery. Everytime they cut to the interview with her a few months afterwards, when her hair was really done up and the make-up was just "so", I wanted to let loose with my best Axl Rose rock-and-roll wail.

Episiotomies
Well, this is just gross, but basically it's where they cut the woman as the baby comes through, in order to make more room for the little darling. Again, in case you didn't get the freak-out part: THEY CUT YOU. IN A VERY UNPLEASANT PLACE. I'm just not even going to say anymore about that.

C-sections
Okay, this is probably what scares me most. I can handle needles. Even needles in the back. But I don't like cuts. At least the episiotomy is just a little cut. But to have my belly sliced open and have the baby pulled out that way ... Shudder, shudder, shudder. I realize that if I have to have this done that I won't feel a thing, but it's just the IDEA of it.


We also saw a video of a couple who decided to go "natural" with their childbirth. This means they didn't have any pain-killers at all. They were very yuppy-ish types, very type-A personalities. The husband was coaching the wife with all the techniques they had learned, and the wife was doing all her breathing exercises perfectly. I wanted to shoot them.

I did take some comfort in knowing that she still hurt like hell though. In her post-delivery interview, she said the pain was much worse than she anticipated. Which made me think. After watching six videos now of women yelling, moaning, screaming in pain, with their husbands looking for the most part very scared and helpless, it occurred to me that, gee, this may hurt. And as this idea has settled in more and more, I'm beginning to freak out.

I haven't decided yet whether to get an epidural or not. Getting an epidural is known to prolong the pushing part of labor, which is supposedly the most painful part - with or without epidural - so I'm thinking, screw the epidural, I just want to get it overwith as soon as possible. But if I'm in labor for like 12 hours before I even begin pushing, the contractions may exhaust me so much that I may want the epidural just to get a stinkin' break. So I won't really know until I'm into it if I'm going to go the needle-in-the-back route or not.

I'm also concerned because Catri is going to be there. I mean, I want her there, but at the same time I'm worried about it. I think she may be traumatized for life after witnessing all this. I've tried and tried to warn her that it will FREAK HER OUT, but she calmly replies, "I know," and what am I supposed to say to that?

This week I've had a lot of pain move into my lower back. Despite my long list of pregnancy discomforts and complaints, this is the first time lower back pain has entered the picture. Most likely the reason I'm feeling this now is that little Gwennan is beginning her descent (what the medicos call "lightening" - HA!) Which means she's coming. She's on her way. I'm really happy about that, of course. I just wish it didn't mean hours and hours of hell for me.

Where is that darn stork?

WHAT did he just say?

So I'm on hold with my insurance company and hear some country singer sing, "Them pantyhose ain't gonna last you long, if the DJ puts Bon Jovi on," and I said, "WHAT?"
I had to write it down really fast before the agent got back on the phone.
I googled the lyrics and found that it's a song called "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off" by Joe Nichols. Despite my deep-seated dislike for country music, I thought it was a funny song. Here are the full lyrics:

She said I’m going out with my girlfriends for
Margaritas at the holiday inn
Oh have mercy my only thought
Was tequila makes her clothes fall off
I told her put an extra layer on
I know what happens when she drinks Patron
Her closet's missing half the things she bought
Yea tequila makes her clothes fall off

She’ll start by kicking out of her shoes
Lose an earring in her drink
Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall
Drop a contact down the sink

Them panty hose aint gonna last too long
If the dj puts bon jovi on
She might come home in a table cloth
Yea tequila makes her clothes fall off

She can handle any champagne brunch
A bridal shower with Bacardi punch
Jello shooters full of Smirnoff
But tequila makes her clothes fall off

She’ll start by kicking out of her shoes
Lose an earring in her drink
Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall
Drop a contact down the sink

She don’t mean nothing
She's just havin fun
Tomorrow she'll say oh what have I done
friends will joke about the stuff she lost
Yea tequila makes her clothes fall off
Oh tequila makes her clothes fall off
Oh tequila makes her clothes fall off

Lies

I have a love-hate relationship with John Eldredge (author of Journey of Desire, Waking the Dead, Wild at Heart, etc.)

When Mark and I got engaged, we were attending Life Group at Deane & Erika Johnson's house, where we were going through Waking the Dead. I loved that book. So much of it really spoke to Mark's and my hearts. When we were thinking about and preparing our wedding ceremony, we wanted a lot of what was said to reflect on the heart as the place where God dwells, where our truest selves are found, and where our most intimate relationships take their form - all ideas that we learned from reading Waking the Dead. Even now, after a year and a half of marriage, Mark and I come back to our hearts and what's going on in them. When I'm withdrawn and struggling, or even when Mark just wants to feel close to me, he'll say, "What is your heart saying right now?" And I'll reflect on it and then tell him. We have some of our most intimate conversations that way.

I also really loved Journey of Desire. I read it while I was going through the Discipleship Training Institute (DTI) at Grace Ministries. Mark read it shortly after we got married. We both loved the book, loved the idea of not being afraid to desire, of living life freely in pursuit of our deepest desires and not being afraid that they'll ruin or control us.

I never read Wild at Heart. It's mainly a book for men, but I've always heard that it has a lot to say to/for women as well. Mark has read it though, so I have some idea of what it says.

And here's the thing. Between Journey of Desire and Wild at Heart, I think that John Eldredge says some amazing things and says some things that bind people up. Because when Mark is struggling in his heart, what I hear coming from him are expectations he has on himself to be something "more" - that he should feel more purpose in life, that he should have more vision for leading his family and friends. And I think these ideas come at least partly from Eldredge's writing. He's so inspiring with all his talk of adventure and pursuing your desires, but at the same time, when life is kind of quiet and mundane - which, honestly, it is most of the time - it makes you feel as though something is missing, as if YOU are lacking something, as if life should be so much more. Eldredge gives the idea that you are "settling" for less, that it's not what God wants for our lives and we should get out there and live adventurously. And I think that's a load of crap.

I look at my husband every day and am amazed and so grateful for this person that God saw fit to give me to walk through life with. Mark is such a REAL person. He is honest and lives life from his heart, never wanting to settle for the superficial or the things this world tells you are necessary to have "life". On the surface I guess our life is kind of quiet and mundane. We spend a lot of time at home, we don't watch tv or play video games or shop or go out a lot. We read, we have our friends over for dinner, we play card games. But I feel like our life is so rich. It's so much more meaningful and beautiful than what this world tries to sell us.

And as for "leading", I know that Mark leads his family and his friends. He leads them into their truer selves and into a more intimate relationship with their maker. I know that, for me, personally, I feel so much freer since marrying Mark to be who I am, to really discover and pursue what my heart desires and not be afraid or ashamed of it. (What has amazed me has been that my desires are all centered around family. I never thought I was that way, but I find that my joy comes from taking care of my husband and stepdaughter and the little baby that's on the way.)

I know so many other people would say something similar. That they feel so accepted by Mark, so free to delve into the deeper, darker parts of their hearts in his presence, knowing that he is going to listen and not judge and walk with them through their journey.

So I get really pissed off when I hear Mark doubting himself, doubting his meaning, his purpose, his worth in this world - thinking it should be "more". I blame Eldredge. I mean, I guess it's really just the enemy, but he uses Eldredge's writings.

Mark and I were talking about this a little this morning, and I realized that Eldredge seems to be on the right track with all his desire and adventure talk, but I think where he goes too far is when he tries to tell you what that should look like. Who is he to determine that for us? Mark and I agreed this morning to begin praying that God would reveal to Mark what his true heart desires. That he would reveal the difference between expectations placed on Mark by outside influences and the desires that God has placed uniquely in Mark's heart alone. Because we're not all meant to be like each other. I didn't marry or want to marry John Eldredge. I married Mark Rothnie - that's the man I want. Not some idea of a man projected on to him by someone who had nothing to do with the formation of his being.

Gooey, goopy sap

My husband's cute and I love him.

Les Photos du Jour

"Mmm ... that sounds good. I'll have that."
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We visited the Signorinis on Kathy's birthday.




















They have two dogs, Emmett and Ben ...

















Emmett seems to think he's a lapdog, but Catri didn't mind ...
















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Catri the Hamper Head ...




















Attack of the Hamper Head ...














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Catri studying science in her daddy's lap. Yes, she's 13, but she's still a daddy's girl.















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I tried to tell Frankie that it wasn't very nice to put his legs like that on Olly's head, but he didn't listen ...

Turn around and run the other way!!!

Mark and I are attending childbirth classes this month. There are four classes, about 2 hours each, held once a week. We attended the first class last week. It was pretty much a review of what we already knew from our pregnancy books - mainly about how the baby develops and reaches full term.

This week they began talking about what they call "labor". The midwife leading the class had a little doll with an umbilical cord attached to a fake placenta all inside a little bag representing the amniotic sac, or "bag of waters". She also had another little toy that looked like a pelvis. She put the baby in the pelvis and pulled it through, representing another thing they call "birth". She also passed around a plastic representation of what she called "dilation of the cervix", showing how the cervix supposedly dilates from 1 centimeter to 10 centimeters. It was all pretty interesting, but I knew she was lying to us. All this talk about the baby descending and turning and the cervix dilating and blah blah blah. WHATEVER! I know my body won't do that. It's physically impossible. They're lying.

Later on during the class, we watched a video of three different women "giving birth". At first it kind of freaked me out and made me think all this stuff might be true, but then I realized, "It's just a movie." Amazing what they can do with special effects nowadays.

Mark and I have noticed from time to time what looks like a heron or crane around our neighborhood. He's a beautiful bird, and sometimes he'll hang out on the roof of one of our neighbor's houses, just looking around. I realize now that this must be the stork, coming to make sure he knows the way to our house so he can bring us the baby.

See, because what really happens is that you go to sleep, and then when you wake up, there's your baby! The stork brought her! Although the midwife last night referred to this as an "emergency C-section", I knew what the truth was.

A heart-touching story

I admit, this story brought a tear to my eye ... sniff, sniff ...

Bumps and Flip-Flops

I'm turning into a navel-gazer.

In the evenings, usually around 6:00 until I go to bed, Gwennan wakes up and makes her presence known. She bumps and kicks and flips around. It's so fascinating to pull my shirt up over my belly and just watch. My belly will go lop-sided, or a big wave will go across it, or just little bumps over here, then over there. I just sit there and stare at it in wonder and delight.

It amazes me how my emotions have taken off concerning this little person. I love her so much and I've never even met her. I don't know what she'll look like or what her personality will be, but I feel a fierce kind of protective love for her. It's such a strong feeling that sometimes it causes me anxiety, because I worry about her being healthy and coming out okay. Especially with all the stuff that's been going on with Catri's mom lately. The stress that Mark and I have been under trying to deal with her and the child support and visitation issues has been unbelievable and sometimes I fear that it will send me into premature labor. So I've just been praying a lot that God will keep Gwennan healthy and in my belly until she is fully formed and ready to come out. And that he will help me to let go of all this anxiety and worry and focus on what really matters - Mark, Catri and Gwennan and the happiness of our little family together.

King Kong - or why Peter Jackson is a twisted individual

Okay, Dawn commented on her blog (dawndorathy.blogspot.com) on the movie King Kong, which we had seen together at the buck-75 movie along with Charles and Mark, and so now I feel obligated to share my thoughts on it too, which could probably be best summarized by the word, "AAAAAAHH!!!"

I've vowed not to see any more Peter Jackson movies after seeing King Kong. I liked The Lord of the Rings trilogy for the most part, but I have no desire to ever see it again. I hated the orcs and the big spider and all the icky creatures. Peter Jackson seems to take delight in devoting a lot of screen time to these critters at their most disturbing. Whereas some directors will spend maybe a few seconds too long dwelling on a beautiful landscape shot, Jackson likes to give you a few extra seconds to look at the green ooze drooling out of a rotten orc mouth or to watch as they are hacked to pieces right in front of you.

I thought it was basically the same deal with King Kong. The violence between the dinosaurs and King Kong, and the nasty bugs and bats on Skull Island were all too much for me. I had my eyes closed and head tucked into Mark's shoulder through about half the movie, with Mark saying, "Yeah, you shouldn't look right - OH MY GOD THAT'S GROSS!"

Especially disturbing were the demon-possessed Skull Island natives. They were suspiciously similar to the orcs in LOTR. Jackson spent a lot of screen time on them as they convulsed and drooled and their eyes rolled back in their rotted-teeth heads and they chanted evil curses and such. Again, I had to close my eyes through most of it.

I don't know what Peter Jackson's deal is, but he needs some serious psychiatric help.

And now for my true rant. WHY WAS THIS MOVIE RATED PG-13? I would never recommend a kid to see it, not Catri or anyone under 21. The violence was so disturbing. If you show somebody's rear-end in a movie, it gets an R rating. But a big ape killing a dinosaur by literally ripping its jaws in two gets a PG-13? What the heck?? I guess some people would argue it's "fantasy" violence, but with CGI technology nowadays, it looks pretty darn real and it still really WIGS ME OUT, MAN!

Okay, I'm done.