Lies
I have a love-hate relationship with John Eldredge (author of Journey of Desire, Waking the Dead, Wild at Heart, etc.)
When Mark and I got engaged, we were attending Life Group at Deane & Erika Johnson's house, where we were going through Waking the Dead. I loved that book. So much of it really spoke to Mark's and my hearts. When we were thinking about and preparing our wedding ceremony, we wanted a lot of what was said to reflect on the heart as the place where God dwells, where our truest selves are found, and where our most intimate relationships take their form - all ideas that we learned from reading Waking the Dead. Even now, after a year and a half of marriage, Mark and I come back to our hearts and what's going on in them. When I'm withdrawn and struggling, or even when Mark just wants to feel close to me, he'll say, "What is your heart saying right now?" And I'll reflect on it and then tell him. We have some of our most intimate conversations that way.
I also really loved Journey of Desire. I read it while I was going through the Discipleship Training Institute (DTI) at Grace Ministries. Mark read it shortly after we got married. We both loved the book, loved the idea of not being afraid to desire, of living life freely in pursuit of our deepest desires and not being afraid that they'll ruin or control us.
I never read Wild at Heart. It's mainly a book for men, but I've always heard that it has a lot to say to/for women as well. Mark has read it though, so I have some idea of what it says.
And here's the thing. Between Journey of Desire and Wild at Heart, I think that John Eldredge says some amazing things and says some things that bind people up. Because when Mark is struggling in his heart, what I hear coming from him are expectations he has on himself to be something "more" - that he should feel more purpose in life, that he should have more vision for leading his family and friends. And I think these ideas come at least partly from Eldredge's writing. He's so inspiring with all his talk of adventure and pursuing your desires, but at the same time, when life is kind of quiet and mundane - which, honestly, it is most of the time - it makes you feel as though something is missing, as if YOU are lacking something, as if life should be so much more. Eldredge gives the idea that you are "settling" for less, that it's not what God wants for our lives and we should get out there and live adventurously. And I think that's a load of crap.
I look at my husband every day and am amazed and so grateful for this person that God saw fit to give me to walk through life with. Mark is such a REAL person. He is honest and lives life from his heart, never wanting to settle for the superficial or the things this world tells you are necessary to have "life". On the surface I guess our life is kind of quiet and mundane. We spend a lot of time at home, we don't watch tv or play video games or shop or go out a lot. We read, we have our friends over for dinner, we play card games. But I feel like our life is so rich. It's so much more meaningful and beautiful than what this world tries to sell us.
And as for "leading", I know that Mark leads his family and his friends. He leads them into their truer selves and into a more intimate relationship with their maker. I know that, for me, personally, I feel so much freer since marrying Mark to be who I am, to really discover and pursue what my heart desires and not be afraid or ashamed of it. (What has amazed me has been that my desires are all centered around family. I never thought I was that way, but I find that my joy comes from taking care of my husband and stepdaughter and the little baby that's on the way.)
I know so many other people would say something similar. That they feel so accepted by Mark, so free to delve into the deeper, darker parts of their hearts in his presence, knowing that he is going to listen and not judge and walk with them through their journey.
So I get really pissed off when I hear Mark doubting himself, doubting his meaning, his purpose, his worth in this world - thinking it should be "more". I blame Eldredge. I mean, I guess it's really just the enemy, but he uses Eldredge's writings.
Mark and I were talking about this a little this morning, and I realized that Eldredge seems to be on the right track with all his desire and adventure talk, but I think where he goes too far is when he tries to tell you what that should look like. Who is he to determine that for us? Mark and I agreed this morning to begin praying that God would reveal to Mark what his true heart desires. That he would reveal the difference between expectations placed on Mark by outside influences and the desires that God has placed uniquely in Mark's heart alone. Because we're not all meant to be like each other. I didn't marry or want to marry John Eldredge. I married Mark Rothnie - that's the man I want. Not some idea of a man projected on to him by someone who had nothing to do with the formation of his being.
When Mark and I got engaged, we were attending Life Group at Deane & Erika Johnson's house, where we were going through Waking the Dead. I loved that book. So much of it really spoke to Mark's and my hearts. When we were thinking about and preparing our wedding ceremony, we wanted a lot of what was said to reflect on the heart as the place where God dwells, where our truest selves are found, and where our most intimate relationships take their form - all ideas that we learned from reading Waking the Dead. Even now, after a year and a half of marriage, Mark and I come back to our hearts and what's going on in them. When I'm withdrawn and struggling, or even when Mark just wants to feel close to me, he'll say, "What is your heart saying right now?" And I'll reflect on it and then tell him. We have some of our most intimate conversations that way.
I also really loved Journey of Desire. I read it while I was going through the Discipleship Training Institute (DTI) at Grace Ministries. Mark read it shortly after we got married. We both loved the book, loved the idea of not being afraid to desire, of living life freely in pursuit of our deepest desires and not being afraid that they'll ruin or control us.
I never read Wild at Heart. It's mainly a book for men, but I've always heard that it has a lot to say to/for women as well. Mark has read it though, so I have some idea of what it says.
And here's the thing. Between Journey of Desire and Wild at Heart, I think that John Eldredge says some amazing things and says some things that bind people up. Because when Mark is struggling in his heart, what I hear coming from him are expectations he has on himself to be something "more" - that he should feel more purpose in life, that he should have more vision for leading his family and friends. And I think these ideas come at least partly from Eldredge's writing. He's so inspiring with all his talk of adventure and pursuing your desires, but at the same time, when life is kind of quiet and mundane - which, honestly, it is most of the time - it makes you feel as though something is missing, as if YOU are lacking something, as if life should be so much more. Eldredge gives the idea that you are "settling" for less, that it's not what God wants for our lives and we should get out there and live adventurously. And I think that's a load of crap.
I look at my husband every day and am amazed and so grateful for this person that God saw fit to give me to walk through life with. Mark is such a REAL person. He is honest and lives life from his heart, never wanting to settle for the superficial or the things this world tells you are necessary to have "life". On the surface I guess our life is kind of quiet and mundane. We spend a lot of time at home, we don't watch tv or play video games or shop or go out a lot. We read, we have our friends over for dinner, we play card games. But I feel like our life is so rich. It's so much more meaningful and beautiful than what this world tries to sell us.
And as for "leading", I know that Mark leads his family and his friends. He leads them into their truer selves and into a more intimate relationship with their maker. I know that, for me, personally, I feel so much freer since marrying Mark to be who I am, to really discover and pursue what my heart desires and not be afraid or ashamed of it. (What has amazed me has been that my desires are all centered around family. I never thought I was that way, but I find that my joy comes from taking care of my husband and stepdaughter and the little baby that's on the way.)
I know so many other people would say something similar. That they feel so accepted by Mark, so free to delve into the deeper, darker parts of their hearts in his presence, knowing that he is going to listen and not judge and walk with them through their journey.
So I get really pissed off when I hear Mark doubting himself, doubting his meaning, his purpose, his worth in this world - thinking it should be "more". I blame Eldredge. I mean, I guess it's really just the enemy, but he uses Eldredge's writings.
Mark and I were talking about this a little this morning, and I realized that Eldredge seems to be on the right track with all his desire and adventure talk, but I think where he goes too far is when he tries to tell you what that should look like. Who is he to determine that for us? Mark and I agreed this morning to begin praying that God would reveal to Mark what his true heart desires. That he would reveal the difference between expectations placed on Mark by outside influences and the desires that God has placed uniquely in Mark's heart alone. Because we're not all meant to be like each other. I didn't marry or want to marry John Eldredge. I married Mark Rothnie - that's the man I want. Not some idea of a man projected on to him by someone who had nothing to do with the formation of his being.
posted by Donna-Marie at 3/21/2006 08:32:00 AM
7 Comments:
After meditating and praying about this subject at length, I think I can safely tell you that the answer to what "adventure" looks like for all men is this: paintball.
That's what I was trying to say. I'm not sure it came through, though.
I'm right there with you in your commentary on "Wild at Heart". I think Eldredge assumes some things to be universally true of all men that aren't necessarily so. I've come to the conclusion that for men who are naturally extroverts (the powerfuls and playfuls in Midtown speak), Wild at Heart really speaks to them.
But, for the introverts (the peacefuls and perfectionists), Wild at Heart just makes us feel inadequate. Our lack of desire for adventure as Eldredge describes us causes us to think we should be something we are not.
I'm not sure if "Adventure" just looks different for us, or if something entirely different is going on, but I can totally empathize with you and Mark.
Yeah, Mark and I have discussed what "adventure" looks like. It can't be kayaking and camping for every man. I mean, what if you're handicapped? What if you're a poor man living in the city?
To me, adventure is living an honest life. What I mean is, living life from the heart, being real, refusing to live in denial or hiding, taking chances in your relationships with others to connect and be intimate. After all, relationships are the only things we take with us out of this life.
Also, relationships are probably the scariest thing going in life. Forget bungee jumping or scaling Everest. Try being real with someone. Now THERE'S an adventure.
If paintball is what a man has to do to be masculine and adventurous, then lace and frills and white gloves and pink bows and demure giggles must be what makes a woman feminine...Aaachh....puke my guts up!!!
Also, I think the hard part about all the Eldredge stuff is that opening yourself up to thinking about what you want is exciting, BUT it also leaves you more vulnerable to condemning yourself for not already being or having what you want. It is a scary road indeed to want but then lean on God to do whatever He wants with that.
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