Sigh ...

The last two months have been hell. Mark and I have been stressed and angry and depressed as we have gone through the last bitter wranglings with lawyers and courts over Catri's child support and visitation. The whole thing has seemed so ridiculous, and most of it has not actually seemed to be about Catri. Just when we thought it was all over, it was announced that Catri's mom was moving to Seattle for a 6 month contract job and taking Catri with her. We gave Catri the option of staying with us, at the very least until she had finished out the semester she had started at school, but she has chosen to go. It feels like the last kick in the stomach in all of this.
Anyway, I'm dealing now with a lot of anger. I've never had so much anger and rage in my life. I was once told that I have a "strong sense of justice", and when I feel like things are unjust, the anger is consuming. It's hard to know what to do with it. I could let it eat me up, consume me, and live my life complaining to everyone who will listen about how horribly we've been treated and what victims we are (as some people appear to do), or I can deal with it and move on.
I'm going to choose the latter. I'm going to go get some counseling from Barry (our marriage counselor and the guy who performed our wedding ceremony). I need help to re-focus on the good things in life - my amazing husband and precious baby girl, Catri and the truly good person that she is, the wonderful friends and family we have who know us and are for us (and who always counter with the truth all the lying accusations that have been thrown our way in the past year). Mostly I need help re-focusing on the goodness of God. In the past few months, it's been hard to remember that he is good - that he loves us, that we are his children and that he has not forsaken us.
I know that a big part of the counseling process will include letting go and forgiving. It's not a process I look forward to going through, but in my heart of hearts, I know I absolutely have to do it. I don't want to waste any more precious time and emotional energy on things and people who aren't important. If I don't choose to go through this process I will end up bitter, stuck in the past, living in a "victim" mentality, and enslaved to my emotions. I don't want to be enslaved. I want to be free.