Happy Birthday

Gwennan is three weeks old today. It's been the roughest three weeks of my life. I have to admit that I really had no idea what I was getting myself into - no idea what having a newborn would entail. I've had such severe crying spells (some lasting all day) that I thought for sure I would have to go on anti-depressants. I've struggled (and am still struggling, though not as much) with breastfeeding. And of course, I'm horribly sleep-deprived. I feel isolated and disconnected from the world, and even worse, from my own husband. I miss Mark so much, even when he's right here with me.

I've had such anxiety about the baby - is she getting enough to eat? is she sleeping enough? is she overstimulated? - that I've swung over into total controlling flesh mode. I hover over everyone who does anything to/with her, to make sure they're not doing something "wrong". Then I suffer from so much guilt feeling like I'm doing everything wrong.

But, despite all this, I look at Gwennan's amazing little face and I just love her. She's so beautiful, and such a mellow baby. She doesn't really cry or fuss that much - usually only when she actually wants something (usually to eat). She has these extended alert periods that are so cool. She will sit quietly in your arms or in her bouncy seat and just observe her world, with wide-open eyes and a mouth usually in a little O shape. It's her "Little Bird" face.

I'm beginning to realize that she and I are both going to be okay. Things will be crazy for a while, but that's alright. We'll survive. I'll get to sleep through the night again one day. I'll get to spend time with my husband again doing something non-baby-related. In the mean time, I'm just going to love her.


Gwennan right after birth:
8 lbs, 11 oz.
21 inches
A head full of dark hair










Just after her first bath














About a week later - Gwennan sucking Catri's thumb. She's still a little yellow from the jaundice in this picture.