Happy Happy Joy Joy

Mark received a letter yesterday from Catri's mom's attorney stating her intention to seek an increase in child support. We weren't actually surprised. Mark and I were anticipating this move for some time. And it's not really that we don't want to help support Catri - we're just not financially in a place that would allow us to support her with 20% of Mark's gross income, which is the standard. We have increased support in other ways - Mark started a college savings plan for Catri, and he is paying for half of Catri's orthodontia in the next few years (which ain't cheap). But the amount that Catri's mom would be seeking is well above that.
Even though we kind of knew this was coming, Mark and I still felt the blow of it. We're very tight financially right now, and between anticipating a new member to the family in three months and trying to sell this house and find another, it's just "one more thing". We were feeling pretty stressed about it.

Last night, around 4 AM, I woke up and started prinking (which is praying and thinking at the same time) and I had this overwhelming feeling of being happy. Mark was sleeping at my side, and I love him so very much, and little Gwennan was sleeping quietly in my tummy, and I just knew that everything was going to be fine. I felt God reminding me about the miracle he worked in our lives by bringing us together, and how he has provided for us time and again in difficult circumstances. I thought about how clueless Mark and I are as to how to proceed right now in life - with the house and the child support - how helpless we feel to know what to do. And I realized that this is really the best place to be in. The more helpless we are, the more we have no choice but to surrender it all to God and trust in him to guide. We have to let it go and just trust that the Holy Spirit and the new hearts that have been put in us by him will direct us where we need to go.
Mark woke up a little while later and I told him what I had been prinking. We talked about it more and felt so grateful for God's care of us. We rejoiced in the freedom that comes from being helpless. I mean, what else can we do but to turn it all over to our Father and let him care for us? It's so much better than being in bondage to fear and worry and anxiety and attempting to control and fix everything. Who knows what is coming around the corner? Who knows how things will play out? The only one who knows these things is God, and he loves us and is for us, and that is so comforting to remember.
Mark and I prayed for a while, and then we cuddled up together. Mark told me how excited he is to be a parent with me, how excited he is about Gwennan. He told me how much he loves me and how he has learned about the love of Christ by being married to me. And I just felt so happy.

Which really struck me as ironic.

Any of you who know my story know that I spent most of my 20's in and out of treatment for depression. I had spent a month in the hospital when I was 20 because I was suicidal. After that time I had been on and off anti-depressants and in and out of counseling. I was nearly 30 when I finally found some peace, mainly through a big show-down with God, which maybe I'll write about one day.
I told Mark about how careful I am when I drive now. I don't take unnecessary risks, because I don't want to get in an accident and hurt Gwennan or myself. But in my 20's, I used to pray to God that he would send a big truck to hit my car and just take me out of this life.
I was thinking about that last night - about how I used to think that I'd never make it to 30 because I'd kill myself before then. About how I used to think that people who said they were happy were just naive or stupid.
And now here I am with this amazing husband that I adore and have such an intimate relationship with, and we have a little family with Catri, and Gwennan on the way. Money is tight, circumstances aren't ideal, but I can't help but just be happy.
As I was talking to Mark about it, I was struck with this feeling of awe and amazement at how differently I feel now, and I couldn't help but cry and thank God for saving me from myself and bringing me to a place of such joy.
It made me think of the lyrics to a Rich Mullins song (can't remember the title right now):
What I'd have settled for
You've thrown so far away
What you've brought me to
I thought I could not reach
And I came so close to giving in
But you never did give up on me

I'm just so grateful for life now. So grateful for God's faithfulness to me, to bring me out of darkness into light, and even more into life and joy. God is so good.